Mary's Little Lamb

Mary's Little Lamb — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 00:32:13 +0000

I have been avoiding you. I haven’t yet given you a straight answer. I would love to try and share a part of my life with you, but after the incident that you have called things off and then regretting it, I realized how fragile I am right now. I’m not ready to go through any of this pain; I need that sense of security. I don’t want to be with a guy who’s going to break my heart again. I’m not ready to fight for a war when I am not even sure if my own comrades are standing beside me.

Mary's Little Lamb — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 08:02:10 +0000

You became a habit. Although I didn’t love you yet, I really liked you.
Your presence for every minute of my day and your availability to all my shared thoughts, happiness, frustration… became something I never thought would change. Not for the time being at least. I thought we could stretch this moment out for a little longer, so I never considered that one day there wouldn’t be “us.” Too often I am picking up my phone to text you, but remembering that I shouldn’t. And too often I am rushing home from work, eager to tell someone about my day but you’re not here anymore.

I miss your presence. Although my heart doesn’t hurt too much, but I feel so empty without you. I guess that’s what happens when you like a great friend.

It’s almost go…

Mary's Little Lamb — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 06:01:40 +0000

It’s almost going to be a year since I have moved out. Maybe I jumped into it too quickly, and changed so fast that I lost myself. I’m pretty crazy and bipolar right now… But no regrets

Mary's Little Lamb — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 05:29:51 +0000

Maybe I can go home. What made me left in the first place doesn’t apply anymore. But now, the decision is truly mine. Who I am and who I’ll become, it’s all up to me now. I have choices and I can’t be dwelling with what’s in the past. The past will blind me from all the different possibilities being thrown at me.

I also figured that being me will make me happy. I don’t want barriers or to have to hide anything. People can judge me, I am proud of who I am. There’s so much ahead of me, it’s my time to step up and make it happen.

Mary's Little Lamb — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 02:09:46 +0000

I’m back in San Jose again. I was in San Francisco yesterday and had a lot of fun. Had a tournament today and I scored two Gold trophies and disqualified in one. I’ve been wanting to be home, I missed it… but now I am and my mind is anywhere but home! Nick’s attitude is changing, the way he’s been talking to me the past couple of days and it’s killing me. I hate going out when I am in a bad mood. Anh Huy is having a BBQ right now but I turned my car around to go home instead. I can’t wait for my friends to come back from San Francisco and distract me from this loneliness.

Mary's Little Lamb — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 19:48:31 +0000

When you want to keep somebody in your life, you will find ways to forgive them for every mistake they have wronged you even if they do not deserve your forgiveness.
She told me, “Something tells me that he didn’t tell you everything. If you really knew what he did, I don’t think you would have came here.”
But I was there, I was with him. I knew everything that I needed to know and I knew his mistakes.
And a friend says, “Do what feels right.”
If love followed every rule of morality, love would be too superficial. We learn to bend some rules and experience heart-throbbing pain. After all, the price of happiness doesn’t come cheap.

Mary's Little Lamb — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 17:44:21 +0000

And with you, I’m sure this isn’t a one-sided love.

Mary's Little Lamb — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 16:44:57 +0000

My favorite place with him. The most fun I had with him, where most of my memories of him will forever be happiest.
He doesn’t want what I want. He wants to see how far we can go, but all I have to offer him is love. If he doesn’t want to accept it and one day lets me go, I’m afraid I will feel more hurt than him. So I have two choices:
1. Spend time with this amazing guy who has a future and who makes me happy, but wants no attachment and is all fun
2. Move on. Find someone who can share both with me. Respect me and do what we both enjoy.
The choice seems obvious doesn’t it? Then what is it that is holding me back?
We all can say we live for the moment, create memories, because people always come and go. But I have let enough people out of my life, I’m at a point where I would like to keep them. I’m 22 this year. Some might say it is still a young age, but I don’t feel like the years are waiting for me any longer.

Mary's Little Lamb — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 16:16:39 +0000

“You’re being more independent than you need to be.”
When I heard that, it tore my heart. I realized it really didn’t. I can have it SO easy if I go back home, but I am so.. SO much happier here. I need to remind myself that I moved down here for myself. He said I needed to reconnect with my family. He’s making me face difficult challenges that I ran away from in the first place. This is my escape, I don’t want to do it. I don’t have to be a part of it again.
It makes me question myself, does he really know what he’s saying about me? Or is he giving me really good advice? I would love to be open, but my mind just hates him more and more. I never loved and hated someone so much at the same time. He makes me frustrated, he makes me happy.. but more so frustrated.
He says that bf and gfs shouldn’t be until we have experienced everything, it’s like buying a car. You have to try out a whole bunch before you know which one you like. You can go back and choose the best one. For me? I tried the Civic and said no. I tried out the Acura Rsx and said no. When I got into the Mazda, I knew it was my car. It had to be mine.
We stand on such different grounds, I sense that if me and him don’t find a point where ends meet soon, it’s not going to work out. Being with someone shouldn’t be this hard.

Mary's Little Lamb — Fri, 20 May 2011 03:49:50 +0000

I am in San Jose again. Not having the best luck lately, but three strikes already past. 1) Missing the final. 2) Missing the bus. 3) Speeding ticket.
I am happy to see my dad, but it really aches my heart to see how old he has gotten. He treated me lunch and tried his best to chip in money for my gas, though he barely makes enough for himself. I mentioned a little about the church, but not how involved I was, and he seemed alright with it. And surprise to me, Dat already moved to Virginia. He is completely out of the picture now, though I’m pretty sure he will be back in a matter of months.
Benny, the kid my mom tutors, was so happy to see me when he came over today. You can see the sparkles in his eyes when he saw me! He showed off his multiplication and division skills, which was amazing because he was just a kindergartner.
My dad took me to see the new house, and DAYMN my dad did a really good job fixing her up. It was trashed and run-down the last time I saw it. About to go with my mom again tonight to clean a little and pick up my things.
I drove out to Eastridge mall just now. Everything seems unfamiliar. It’s like I know where I am driving and walking, but I lost my place here. I don’t belong here, and it made me feel sick inside.
I really thought about moving back here in the fall, but I can’t. In the matter of months I have done too much to just leave it. And I miss Tri.